We’ve updated our Terms of Use to reflect our new entity name and address. You can review the changes here.
We’ve updated our Terms of Use. You can review the changes here.

The Rules of English

from Balance by Bruce Watson

/

  • Streaming + Download

    Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more.
    Purchasable with gift card

      $1 AUD  or more

     

  • Buy the Full Digital Album

about

This offering is based on the late William Safire’s Rules for Writers, extrapolated and set to music. I don’t really believe in such a prescriptive approach, but it was fun running this song through the computer’s grammar check!

lyrics

Now, when I was a boy one was taught English grammar
These days standards have gone down the drain
We had it banged into us, with an unsubtle hammer
Now it’s firmly lodged into my brain
There’s a million mistakes that you see people make
Now and then there’s an absolute whopper
So here’s a few tips to avoid future slips
And help you all speak good and proper

Be sure to never split an infinitive
Don’t use no double negatives
And never generalise, that’s a rule you see everyone break
Be clear as a bell, profread everythnig well
Be more or less specific, don’t be vague
And avoid clichés like the plague!

It’s incumbent upon us to eschew obfuscation
And where feasible to employ the vernacular
Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice
And understatement is really really spectacular
Use language that’s inclusive of all men
And here’s something else you should know
The use of foreign words is just not de rigueur
Nor is it apropos

Always avoid awkward annoying
Unattractive and affected alliteration
Avoidification of unnecessary neologisms
Will strengthenify your prosification
If you see a mixed metaphor take the bull by the horns
And knock it right off of its perch
And vary your words variously
So that you use various words

Exaggeration is a trillion gazillion times worse
Than just stating the plain simple facts
And use words correctly irregardless of what others do
To show you’ve got the language knack
The passive should be avoided at all times
Heed should be taken of that suggestion
And now what I ask of all of you is:
Who needs rhetorical questions?

credits

from Balance, released August 5, 2020

license

all rights reserved

tags

about

Bruce Watson image

Bruce Watson Melbourne, Australia

Joyful, hilarious, thought provoking and totally engaging original songs from one of Australia's foremost songwriters and performers in the folk style.

contact / help

Contact Bruce Watson

Streaming and
Download help

Redeem code

Report this track or account

If you like Bruce Watson, you may also like:

Bandcamp Daily  your guide to the world of Bandcamp

On Bandcamp Radio

Beans joins the show to discuss his album release, "ZWAARD".

listen now